Sad & depression are not the same. They are not interchangeable. Yet, I am hearing it more and more in clinical practice as “I was depressed, yesterday.” No. No. No.
Sad: State of unhappiness or dejection or misery. (Yesterday)
Depression: An illness that involves the body, mood, and thoughts and that affects the way a person eats, sleeps, feels about himself or herself, and thinks about things. Depression is not the same as a passing blue mood (sad). It is not a sign of personal weakness or a condition that can be wished away. People with depression cannot merely ‘pull themselves together’ and get better. Without treatment, symptoms can last for weeks, months, or years. (A clinical diagnosis that persists, not a “feeling” that happens for a day.)
Feelings are a funny thing. People have very strong opinions about ones they “like” or feel like they’re “good at expressing” (happy/joy) and very clear on ones they aren’t “good” at expressing. Anger/sadness often fall into this category. While we CELEBRATE or greet with great EXCITEMENT feelings that are typically deemed as pleasant or positive, as a society/culture we are often not taught that ALL feelings are part of the human experience, and feelings are not good or bad, right or wrong. They just are.
Take anger for instance. Oh my old friend anger. How often does anger show up in clinical sessions with people, often presenting as horribly uncomfortable talking about anger and often feeling guilt about being angry at all. Parents abusive. Spouse/significant other abusive. Estranged relationships. Feeling unloved or not having someone to rely on in the world. Told ugly, fat, stupid, “insert insulting descriptive term” and yet…still….feeling as if their “feeling” of anger is unwarranted simple because he/she hasn’t been taught how to effectively manage or communicate his/her feelings. What I often hear is:
I was told to go to my room, and come out when I wasn’t angry anymore.
I was told to stop being angry.
And yet, we are surprised people struggle with how to show anger appropriately!
And so feelings are complicated…., I see people shift around in their chair or on the couch, not liking just sitting with their emotions and letting them be. And like anger, I educate clients that feelings are just as I stated, neither right nor wrong nor good nor bad. They just are. Furthermore, they fluctuate. Much to our chagrin, even the most pleasant feelings are fleeting. Watching your child walk for the first time, or seeing him/her graduate, or your feeling your first kiss, or watching the sunrise…. fleeting.
“Sad” is this too. While most of us don’t rush into sadness because we just can’t wait to feel sad, it serves a great purpose for us. The loss of a loved one, a pet, a broken heart….all of these experiences can produce great sadness. Palpable emotional experiences, as if our world is crumbling around us. However, there is a distinct difference between a “feeling” and a “clinical diagnosis” such as depression.
Brene Brown’s book “Gift of Imperfection” describes the importance of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and feel, really feel the emotions that we often try to avoid: anger/sadness/fear/shame/guilt…..to allow ourself to sit with them for a moment (as I tell clients rather than stuffing them down because they’re too messy or too uncomfortable) because if we are unwilling to do this, we are also inadvertently not allowing ourselves to fully experience joy, happiness, excitement, pride, peace and love.
(YES! This is not a direct quote, it’s my interpretation in addition to my clinical experience, translated for you in my “peace in the journey” way.)
Feelings are transient. They come and go, shift and fade, ebb and flow, move and morph,….they are not constant.
So please…please…. for all of those who truly struggle with depression, please own your sadness & understand it is different from depression. While you will probably feel better in the next moment, or hour, or day…. people with depression often have that “feeling” for weeks or months or years.
And while we would never liken our random stress or tension or even migraine headache to a brain tumor, hearing one casually state “I was depressed yesterday” in so many ways minimizes the great pain someone who is diagnosed with depression faces daily.
So may be we don’t rush to embrace sadness today, but if we truly understand the connection of allowing ourselves to be in darkness is the only way to come through and see the light…then perhaps the next time sadness visits you, you might welcome him/her like an old friend versus an arch-enemy.
Peace…..