I attended a funeral yesterday. Over the course of the 16 years I’ve been working for or volunteering for Gilda’s Club, I’ve lost count of how many funerals I’ve attended. Working with people with cancer, the possibility of someone dying is omnipresent. That statement sits somehow uncomfortably with me because it presumes the rest of us who aren’t diagnosed get a pass from the certainty of death, when in reality, none of us knows when our last breath will come on this earth. So why do we live as if our moments are infinite, when in fact, other than taxes death is the only certainty we face on this earth.
But the “dying” and “loss” and “grief” part isn’t what I want to write about today. Today, I want to write about the “dash”….Have you heard of it?
Yesterday, I was surrounded by this group of men and women I’ve really had the pleasure to grow up with over the past 16 years. Now, I wasn’t a child when I met them, but in some ways I feel like I was. I met them at the time when I had just had my first-born, my Dad was acutely sick with his cancer and recovering from his first (and preparing for his second, though I didn’t know it at the time) bone marrow transplant. I was a young mom, an even younger social worker, so many aspects of my life were uncertain and so much of what I was doing I felt I was inept. Yet, this strong, wise, loving, and beautifully flawed group of cancer survivors welcomed me into their group as a student intern and allowed me to learn from them what it was like to live with uncertainty, yet fully LIVE each day!
So many times I was asked why I worked with people with cancer. Wasn’t it depressing? Wasn’t it awful to have to go to so many funerals? (I’m guessing I’ve personally known at least 100 who’ve died, may be more? I can’t be for certain…..)
My answer, consistently has been this……it was/is the most rewarding work I’ve ever done. I received so much more than I ever gave.
So yesterday…..we gathered together to say goodbye to another member. A beautiful tribute was given to this woman who lived her life fully, cohabitating with this thing called Multiple Myeloma (cancer of the bone marrow) for 8 1/2 years. While she was rarely out of treatment over that period of time, she seldom complained or allowed it to inter fear with her very busy life. She went to her knitting group, book club, and cancer support group weekly or as scheduled, rarely missing a session. She traveled to Europe, she cherished her time with her family at their home up north (a Michigan thing…if you’re from MI you get it….if not, just know it’s commonly referred to anywhere north of Flint- not necessarily and often not the Upper Peninsula), relished preparing for and spending the Jewish holidays with her family and friends, and had a great reverence for the medical “team” she had amassed from near and far, all enabling her to have one more day here with the people she loved. She truly LIVED each day she had on Earth. How many of us can say that as well?
Mid-way, this poem was read, and tears filled my eyes……
It matters less the year we were born and the year we die…..that is a given for each of us on earth, rather what matter most is what do we do with our “dash”? Are we truly LIVING? If today is our last day on earth, would we be happy with the decisions we made today on how to LIVE our life? If tomorrow never comes, would we live our life in regret for the things we didn’t have the courage to do today?
I left feeling I once again was given much of a gift than I could have ever given Elissa. I was given a reminder, of the fragility and importance of life. I left feeling on fire for the possibilities for this coming year, hoping I get the time and energy and focus to accomplish for a few of the plans on my list. I left with the peace in knowing, no matter what happens in my life going forward, I have been truly blessed for all those I’ve known who have given meaning and purpose and peace and joy and truly LIFE to my LIFE.
Leaving with one last quote…..as I go to see Wicked this week, I am sure I will think about Elissa and how beautiful this song sounded as it was sung for the community who loved her this past week…..
“I’ve heard it said that people come into our lives, for a reason, bringing something we must learn. And we are led to those who help us most to grow, if we let them, and we help them in return.” -Stephen Schwartz
From Elissa, I learned to laugh often and with great expression, to truly spend time loving what you’re doing and with whom you spend your time, to give even when you think you have nothing else to offer, and to cherish every moment one has on earth.
Peace…….