“Anger is an acid that does more to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” Mark Twain.
I feel quite literary quoting Mark Twain.
Sometimes in life, and in work, there are recurring themes that present…perhaps offering a challenge or a new lesson or work to be done. Lately. It’s anger. Not mine….but anger in others around me.
I don’t quite understand anger. Not that I haven’t felt it from time to time, and certainly I’ve had reason to feel angry in my life: broken friendships, moving as a teenager (Ok, I think I was kinda angry then…but then again I was a “teenager”….), difficult or unfair bosses and teachers and professors, watching my Dad go through his bone marrow transplants, etc. It isn’t that I didn’t feel anger…rather I don’t understand the purpose in holding on to it.
Recently, professionally I’ve had several clients whose anger is so pervasive, it’s almost palpable. I remember when I started working with people with cancer, I was often asked “how can you do it, it must be so depressing! Aren’t they angry people? ” Of course, it isn’t an easy job, but depressing, no! And are they angry? As a general rule, no. Over the course of my 14 years working predominately in oncology, I was able to meet some of the most courageous, funniest, loving, appreciative, and peaceful people. Was anger present? Of course! But did they stay focused/fixated on it? For the most part, no…..
So, in switching career paths to work with individuals and couples with all different presenting issues, most of whom aren’t cancer survivors, I am struck at the differences in how some/many “civilians” deal with problems. (***I am borrowing “civilians” from a support group I lead for years. Hope they like nod to them.)
Who better to be filled with anger. hate. resentment. fear. sorrow. panic. bitterness. than people who are faced with cancer? But it wasn’t that way. May be having to face mortality in some way strips away the frivolous, the superfluous, the unnecessary? Maybe there is the conceived notion of mortality that doesn’t exist for us “civilians” that allows one to focus on just b-e-i-n-g?
……Recently, I saw on the internet, a story about a man who bought a lovely house next to his ex-wife. Odd? Perhaps. I wondered “why?” But his purchase of this house next to her was not the perplexing part….this man not only bought a house next to his ex-wife, he commissioned and erected a GIGANTIC sculpture of a hand giving the middle finger…you guessed it…aimed at his ex-wife’s house. REALLY? Who does this? Why on earth would you invest that much time and energy (not to mention money) on anger and hate? Why?
So what do we do with anger? While I’m thankful “anger” is not an issue for me, I do recognize it is an emotion many people struggle with in our world. In a therapist office, we recommend many techniques to help people to work through difficult emotions, including but not limited to anger. But what if you aren’t seeing a therapist, as I recognize there are many people who don’t in the world….so what do you do?
Exercise.Walk.Run.Bike.Meditate.Yoga.Garden.Go out with friends. Shop.Get your nails done.Watch the sunset.Or rise.Play with your dog.Smell the roses.Bake cookies.Offer to watch your neighbors kids.Visit your elderly relative.Donate to charity.Volunteer.Have a glass of really good wine. Only one. Probably.Write.Read a good book.Watch Christmas Vacation.Listen to music.Dance in the kitchen with your dog.Sing at the top of your lungs.Clean the house.Color in a coloring book.Pray.Eat ice cream.Call a friend……
Take your pick. Try them all or add to the list. But never, ever stop trying.
Just like happiness is a choice….being angry is a choice. Do you want to spend your days, however plentiful or limited they are, consumed with anger? Or do you want to live them with peace and happiness?
Wanna guess my answer?
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” -Buddha
Peace…..