In college I didn’t weigh myself and I didn’t own a scale. My diet consisted of a bagel in the morning and a diet Dr Pepper, an Otis Spunkmeyer chocolate chip cookie for lunch and probably a diet Dr Pepper, and dinner was chicken and rice or pasta and possibly water (on a rare occasion I would eat a salad from the cafeteria but only if they had red peppers because I am slightly obsessed with them) and shock tarts candy late night at UDF run, and Milano’s turkey submarine sandwiches anytime I could afford them, and a minimum of 3 days a week I drank without any concern of calories or how many was too many. I didn’t exercise regularly. The only memory I have of doing so was this….
Crammed in my sorority house living room, with my best friend, archaic tv set with a ….wait for it…VHS version of Cher’s aerobic tape. Now…if you have never had the privilege of working out to Cher, let me say, it was by far the BEST time I have ever had working out. Perhaps because it was utterly ridiculous to be watching her in I am not kidding….lingerie that was supposed to somehow be workout attire and her never ever even sweating as my best friend and I were about to pass out either from laughter or exhaustion……. but faithfully for what I am sure was only a few short weeks of cramming for bikini season in the annual Dayton to Daytona trip post graduation….we plopped in that VHS tape and did our best to work out so we could bare being in a bikini among our peers for a week straight.
Perhaps that started my own 2 decade + struggle with body shaming.
When I look back at the photos from that time period, I was fairly small. I have no idea how much I weighed but I do know we all shared clothes and I always thought my friends were small, but I didn’t see myself that way. Somehow I had convinced myself that my genetically inspired boobs were too big, or my I’m sure these are great “birthing” hips, were somehow “wrong”…..
Fast forward……20+ years later. I own a scale and force myself to only weigh myself once a week. I have been a vegetarian for 5+ years. May be more…. I exercise daily. Daily…and I do mean daily. Over the past 10 years, I started running and have completed many races of distances from 5K- full marathons. I walk my dog, aka Layla the Wonderdog at least 2x daily. And 2 1/2 years ago I started practicing yoga and now do a minimum of 3 days a week. And drinking? Maybe 1 day a week and the caloric count and how am I feeling after drinking it is ever-present.
So the frustrating part of me, and something I want to share with others, is all awhile I am doing all of this, I still struggle not only with the probably 20+ lbs I have on me from college but the shame I feel about it.
Shame for not being more disciplined in my eating/exercising.
Shame for not weighing less.
Shame for caring that I don’t weigh less.
Shame for measuring myself against others.
Shame for making excuses on days I really really really need sleep vs getting up early to exercise.
Shame for somehow thinking my self-worth is connected to the number on the scale or the arbitrary size some dress manufacture put in my dress.
Shame for ……… fill in the blank.
As I am putting the final pieces together to launch my (thankfully already piloted) online consulting/therapeutic business (strong peaceful women), I am forced to not only look at what road blocks have presented themselves in the path to its launch, but also how am I living what I preach to others.
Ugh……
It isn’t just that my weight is up, and my exercise has been sporadic over the past few weeks, it’s that I don’t feel well. My piriformis syndrome that I manage through yoga and exercise is aggravated. My eating, because of my increasingly busy schedule, is not planned out and regular in times and content. And the “oh it’s summer and the 27th graduation party of the season, sure why don’t I have another beer” has happened. Period.
And I sooooo want to be the embodiment of what I teach (and sometimes preach) to others….alas I am just like the rest of the world doing my best with what I have each day. In yoga, yet again, I was reminded of the journey…not the destination….of peace. Even though I know it isn’t a “place”, and I teach others this concept, I forget sometimes.
So this is certainly not an exhaustive list but here is my version of steps to start “unlearning” body shaming behavior…..
Focus on what your body can do, versus what it cannot. Can you walk? AWESOME! Practice gratitude and start (and may be stay!) there.
Treat yourself for positive behavior changes with positive rewards. Work out consistently for 2 weeks in a row. Buy a new workout tank to show off your ever- toning arms of steel. Or a pedicure to soothe your strong amazing feet!
Be realistic with your workout, eating, drinking, life goals and make small consistent changes over time. It is the best way to make life-long changes.
Stop trying to be someone else. You have ONE body- focus on learning to love (or at least appreciate) the body you live in each day/night.
Look at yourself in the mirror each day and repeat these words……I am perfectly imperfect and beautiful in my imperfections.
It is a journey. I live it each day. Somedays I am rocking it- I am eating well and working out and practicing deep breathing when my stress increases and sleeping well and helping others and going to church or walking in nature or …..practicing what I preach. And truly, my lesson to teach others is just like you, I have to work at it. If I had a magic wand or pixie dust to sprinkle over the world for help people find inner peace and happiness I would but….
What I have is my conceptual program of combining body, mind, spirit and service to find inner peace and happiness…and even I need to be reminded of it from time to time.
Hope for at least one person living with “body shaming”…this helped you to know you are not alone….
Peace….