We do not grow in the space of comfort.
I have this conversation with clients and family and friends on a nearly daily basis. No matter how many times I have the conversation, no matter how many times I hear it or read it from others far more “evolved or enlightened” than I am, the inner dialogue in my head remains:
I want the easy button!
Haven’t I endured enough?
Isn’t there another way?
If there was, I’d take it. If there was, I’d recommend it. There isn’t an easy path to process uncomfortable feelings. If we want to move through them….we have to go through it. That is the way.
Reading the works of Brene Brown, I was quickly hooked in/drawn into the truth that we, as a culture, are constantly seeking ways to comfort/numb/escape ourselves when we are hurting or struggling, emotionally or physically. While many methods (drinking, shopping, eating, etc) are super effective, albeit temporarily, to numb our feelings, choosing to use these methods as a way to escape does nothing but just that….NUMB. And just like getting an epidural to treat a pain condition, once the numbing effects wear off, unless you deal with the root cause of pain, it will resurface. Again. and again. And again.
Pain (emotional or physical) continues in our life until we have learned what it has to teach us.
After graduation, I was not initially accepted to grad school. Instead of going home and getting any job a BA in psychology would allow me to do (and that isn’t much, future undergrad psych majors!), I decided to apply and accepted a year-long volunteer position in New Mexico. While I wasn’t certain what I would be doing day-to-day, I had expressed interest to work with the New Mexico AIDS Taskforce (this was in the height of the AIDS epidemic) and Casa Esperanza, or House of Hope, a short-term housing for people who were being treated for cancer at the local hospital. I lasted in this position for a few months.
In looking back, what I told others about why I left was based in truth, but not entirely. While the experience was not as I had hoped, feeling the work was too basic and far beneath my clearly expert clinical skills with my exceedingly impressive bachelors degree in psychology (hoping you can sense my great sarcasm now, but probably this was closer to the truth of what I thought I had to offer the world at that time!), the work itself was not the main issue. The TRUTH is I was uncomfortable. In every single aspect of this experience. I missed the comforts of home. I missed my family. I missed my friends. I missed my Diet Dr Pepper. And …..I quit. Gulp.
It is hard to write- and hard to read. And hard to acknowledge.
I regret it to this day. I regret what this set in motion, and the years I spent looking for the easy path to avoid my own discomfort. My reaction to discomfort was to find a way out. In jobs, in relationships, in goals in life both personal or professional. When I was scared, felt hurt, I’ve wanted to find something to make those feelings go away. Many of the super effective but albeit temporary “fixes” I have tried! Super unhealthy, super contrary to what I preach to clients, super destructive. And the worst part of it all…..the same shit I was trying to escape, was still there for me to deal with anyway!
What we resist, persists.
“Pain” will continue until we learn the lesson that it is there to teach us.
If we want things to be different, we have to do things different-ly.
Pain, all pain, is temporary.
We grow in environment where we are being challenged.
Pain, physical or emotional, is temporary and inevitable in our human form. What we choose to do with it, is optional. What we choose to do with it is optional.
Recognizing that truth, has changed things for me. When I am in yoga and I want to leave because of something we are doing or a message that has been woven intentionally in the practice is stirring something up for me, I remind myself it is temporary. I remind myself if I want to move forward, I need to sit with the feelings & listen to what they are trying to teach me. When I am hurt from a family member or friend, instead of internalizing the feelings & somehow defaulting to it is my fault (another journey I am on), I give myself permission to be hurt but not to try to fix what I did not break. For peacekeepers, healers, of recovering co-dependents, this feels ground breaking! No longer am I willing to hustle for my worthiness with anyone in my life, and in doing so….I found my own self worth. That was a lesson, no amount destructive coping/numbing agents could have ever taught me. The lesson showed up over and over and over and over and over in my life until I finally just SAT WITH THE FREAKING feelings of being hurt, without trying to numb them, without trying to apologize for a wrong I hadn’t done.
Discomfort is part of the human condition. How we choose to respond to it is our choice. The next time discomfort shows up for you…. can you:
Sit with the feelings and ask what they are trying to teach you
Meditate & allow yourself to soften into the feelings rather than running from or trying to numb yourself from them
Remind yourself ALL feelings are temporary
Look for patterns and see them as opportunities for growth
Put energy into friends/family who support you rather than adding to your internal dialogue of negativity
Be Brave!
I wish my 22-year-old self would’ve been brave enough to do some of the work I’m doing now, but she wasn’t ready. Are you?
Peace………