On a flight recently across country, I decided in my infinite wisdom to start Brene Brown’s book “The Gift of Imperfection.” If you are not familiar with her work at all…it isn’t exactly “light” reading, and thus I should have known it would awaken some sort of emotions in me. Trapped in this metal capsule hurdling through the air, and yes that is the best possible way I can describe flying in my opinion, and sharing an uncomfortable finite amount of space….I thought, hey why don’t I explore more of Brene’s research. Surely this can help me be a better therapist, because after all…I am certain (at this point) I have dealt with all of my own shit……
Gulp.
Quickly it became glaringly apparent I indeed still have my own shit to manage. At some point, I had tears flooding down my face as I began to delve more in-depth on the subjects of shame & vulnerability, two subjects sure to clear a crowd at any cocktail party! Although I was familiar with her work from her highly regarded & viewed Ted Talk and appearance on Oprah’s Super Soul Series….nothing prepared me for how reading her written words would affect me. As someone who feels like she has a fairly secure image of self and likes to believe that she has done her own “work on self”….although I have been gently (and sometimes not so gently challenged on this subject)…her words are a reminder of the importance for each of us to continue to do work on ourselves. At times, the depth of the pool seems infinite.
As therapists, this can be a horrible experience. I know I am not alone. I am being honest. I would much rather sit in someone else’s story and support him/her, than sit in my own. I am able to do with no judgment, and I’ve been told and feel a great sense of compassion. With my own, however…. I desperately want to run from, and have done so literally and figuratively for years. But as the book so eloquently states, we either stand in our own story and own it, or we stand around it hustle for our worthiness.
Yuk.
I am reminded of the probably countless times in my life when I have done this. With friends. With family. With boyfriends. With myself…. Sometimes subtly in what I was/am willing to accept, and sometimes not so subtly in self-destructive behaviors. To some degree…. so many of us do that what I am describing… instead of sitting in the uncomfortable state of being, we do whatever we can to numb the feelings and wish and hope and pray and think it somehow either isn’t affecting us or will get better…. if only we are “enough”……
There is a huge part of me who truly does walk the walk in what I discuss and research and teach clients. I fully embrace the connection of mind/body/spirit and a commitment to service. There is an equal part of me who wants that in its entirety to be the answer to peace & happiness. I have been talking about this for several years, and for the most part it helps. A lot! But what I have found is this….Unless we are really willing to do the “deep dig” as Brene states, and unearth or shine light on the darkness that is within each of us, we can’t truly expect to experience the joy, and happiness and peace so many of us are longing to live.
I am aware that I project a positive and calming energy. And for the most part, that is true. But when I tell friends, or write about it, or talk with clients, I am very clear that I work really hard to be where I am. I don’t wake up every day thinking “wow my life is perfect, I am so grateful.” Rather, there are certain truths I have grown to accept, and certain things I have learned to ignore. Some are necessary for day to day functioning, some are trivial and not really worth drawing attention to for the most part, but some are in that category of “deep digs” that I really have preferred for years to ignore. And the truths I have chosen to ignore….that is where the work continues to need to be done.
What truths are you ignoring?
A lifetime of ignoring behavior, part of me thinks I could have chosen to do so forever….. Endlessly seeking the quick fix…the medical intervention in the hopes (though given little) that my daily struggle could be resolved without my having to really do work……However, I was prompted to finally do, again, another dive, after my publicly discussed 8+ year struggle with chronic pain….
Wait, what? I am sure most who are still reading this blog are thinking…what on earth does my chronic pain have to do with hustling for worthiness? For nearly a decade, I have been to countless doctors/medical professionals/practitioners seeking help to alleviate chronic pain I have. From the traditional to the obscure, from the inexpensive and quick fixes to the extraordinary investment in both time and money, from the strictly medical model to the eastern medicine perspective…I have explored what I thought was it ALL!
Chronic pain is a difficult subject for those who haven’t experienced it to understand. And while I am cognizant in the fact that I’ve become really really good at hiding what is really going on inside, our bodies keep the score. We can push shit down for a while, but at some point, as if it’s our bodies internal gauge of saying “hello…. don’t ya think you should deal with this stuff?”, at some point it becomes necessary to address. From a professional perspective, I know the human condition= shit. Some glorious days, some tragic. But we do not exist in the human condition without having collected some clutter or debris or trauma along the route in life.
My clinical self knows this. I know this! I am a master of getting clients to look at issues from this lens, and although intellectually I understand I am not immune or separate from others experiences, a part of me truly bought into the belief that my pain was purely physical. And why wouldn’t I? Not one, NOT ONE! Doctor (until now) ever even explored this possibility. Not one. I really wanted it to be physical for the most part, because if it was…I could do a procedure or treatment or take a pill or do an exercise or get a specific massage or stretch the pain away. If it was physical, then I didn’t have to address the “deep dive” issues we all have brewing beneath the surface….However, in nearly a decade…. (I am repeating so you understand the inherent absurdity I can see now)…. I have had very little relief. Little. And somehow, at 46 years old, this was to be an acceptable truth I must live with though there was not clear physiological reason for my pain.
So…. about 2 months ago…. with great humility, I hit my rock bottom. I looked in the mirror and questioned if I could live the rest of my life-like this. Sobbing….I couldn’t envision looking at myself at 56…or 66….or….knowing the pain would still be present. I just didn’t know if I could endure it for much longer……That’s scary! And in the moment I felt I was at my weakest…..a path I couldn’t have anticipated unfolded in front of me.
I was running from the pain. Sometimes literally (or attempting to do so) and more often figuratively, and what I so passionately did not want to face was the source of the pain. Yet…..Every day. When I woke. When I went to bed. When I sat in sessions with clients. When I went on vacation….. drove in the car. Did yoga. Sat with my kids watching movies. Ran. Pain was there. If not physiological in origin, than it was emotional….and if I didn’t want to acknowledge it, my body would continue to send me messages….texts…emails…sirens….. billboards….until I listened….
What are you running from? What are you trying to turn away from and hope/wish/pray it will one day just go away?
Ugh…..Right?
How could I not see this? And equally important, why did NO one in the medical community ever even ask me about this or pursue this connection? No one! There is actual data and science to support this…it isn’t quackery, yet as a society, we are so conditioned to only look for physical (when pain or chronic conditions present) as if that is the only part that matters or influences our beings….8+ years no one addressed with me, and thought my existing in chronic pain was acceptable.
With great joy, I am here to report that I am finally seeing the connection. Finally having some relief….and having some peace in my inner self to match that exterior I so readily project to the world.
While I cannot fully explain the path that I am embarking….though one day I truly hope not only to be able to explain it but to offer to my clients (and the world! hey, gotta think big!) I am so grateful to have someone finally giving me hope.
But the key is this…. truly…. we all have somethings that we hide from the world. Thoughts. Memories. Truths. And if we keep them from the world and don’t examine/process/deal with them…we inadvertently provide the perfect environment for shame to grown and flourish. And in contrast, when we talk about it…when we step into our own truths and own our stories….when we are vulnerable….we take control back and no longer are governed by shame and guilt and hustle to feel worthy……
LIBERATING!!!!
Final thoughts…can you get to this space to accept as your new truth?
“You are imperfect, permanently & inevitably flawed….and you are beautiful”
Author? who knows on the internet, really…but what an amazing place to be…..
Peace…..